by Jess
A meaningful education for children begins and ends with open and honest communication between home and school. Without a positive and comfortable relationship, solid and meaningful plans for a child’s education cannot move forward. This is particularly true when the child in question is one with ‘special’, or as I like to call them, ‘extra’ needs.
Establishing this open and honest relationship, however, can be challenging for parents. There are moments when parents want to be able to approach their child’s teacher with a question, concern or wondering. Then, they get to the door and it suddenly seems difficult. The teacher may seem busy, unapproachable or impatient. They then perhaps begin to question how important the question or concern might be. Or, they imagine in their minds that the question or concern is not important enough to warrant the teacher’s time. Or, they attempt to approach and the teacher makes them feel like they are not welcome. In this case, they might find themselves feeling angry and over time, this anger builds. When they finally *do* get to meet with the teacher, the interaction blows up and as a result, relationships are damaged rather than strengthened. As a concerned parent, you don’t want this to happen!
First, let me say that if any of the above has happened to you, you are not alone. It is actually quite common for parents to feel apprehensive about “taking a teacher’s time” and many parents have found themselves frustrated with a teacher, class or school.
Second, let me tell you how important it is to persevere. Your child is far too important *not* to. If you have a question, concern or wondering about your child’s progress, you need to keep trying. And, if you can find a way to keep yourself calm while interacting with the teacher, this is a definite benefit. Anger begets anger and from this place positive plans cannot move forward. If you can persevere in as calm a manner as possible, you *might* (if the stars align), find yourself pleasantly surprised. No one likes to be in conflict. Not you or the teacher.
It is my experience here in British Columbia, Canada, that for the most part, teachers are delighted to hear from a parent about a child in his/her class. I would be very surprised to hear that teachers in the United States are any different. We all come to this profession from a place of love and care, with the intent to make a positive difference in the lives of children and families.
I tell parents of students in my class that if they have felt apprehensive about approaching or have felt “shut down” by a teacher, they may not choosing the right moment. Or, there may be some underlying tension that needs to be discussed. Keeping quiet is certainly not the way to go.
I would like to share some tips I recommend to parents of my Kindergarten students as they sit at the beginning of their child’s school career, in an attempt to equip them for receiving a positive response from their child’s teacher as the school years progress:
1) Try not to approach a teacher at the beginning of a day, during the day or at any time when the children are present and require the teacher’s attention. During these times, a teacher’s attention is very much focused on making sure the needs of the children are met. Teachers will generally find it difficult to divide his/her attention, and for the most part, the children will take priority.
2) If a teacher seems busy or preoccupied, it is probably true that s/he IS busy or preoccupied. In a teacher’s day much goes on and most of what is going on is behind the scenes. S/he is probably thinking about the meeting s/he is not at, the report cards that need to get written, the planning that needs to happen for the next day, the conversation that has not happened with a parent or colleague, etc.
3) To get a teacher’s full attention, I would suggest that you:
• Send a note in your child’s backpack or planner requesting a phone call at the teacher’s convenience. Provide information that will help your child’s teacher get in touch with you, such as relevant phone numbers, your name, a good time to call, etc. Be sure to provide a little bit of information about why you would like to talk.
• Or, at the end of the day, hang around until all of the children have been connected with a parent and request a moment of the teacher’s time to express a desire to meet privately. Once the day is over and the children have been dismissed, it is much easier for the teacher to focus totally on your individual situation. S/he is much more likely to take in what you have to say. At this point, communicate that you would like to set up an appointment to meet at a mutually convenient time. Communicate a general idea of what you would like to discuss.
• Another option is to phone the school office and leave a message for the teacher to get back to you. Most of the time a teacher will be more than happy to return a call. Generally, teachers are very interested in their student’s progress and welcome the opportunity to collaborate with parents to help find a way to do the best they can for each individual darling that comes to them each day.
• If the above steps don’t work, and/or you find yourself feeling “shut down”, find an opportunity to express your feelings to the teacher. A private moment is usually best to begin such a talk. Open and honest communication is always the best policy.
• If you are still feeling like you have not been heard and you have taken all of the above steps, try contacting the principal or Head Teacher to express your concerns. Administration is well trained in helping soothe difficult or uncomfortable situations.
4) If the topic you would like to discuss with your child’s teacher involves a question about the program being delivered in the classroom, do whatever you can to become curious. Instead of presenting a list of what in your opinion needs to be changed (which will probably make the teacher defensive at the start and shut down productive conversation), draft a list of questions. For example, if a teacher is providing reading materials above or below your child’s ability, you could say “At home I notice my child seems to be struggling with/wants more challenging texts than I am able to give him/her. Can you help me understand what books I can choose for my child at home to support his/her learning? I know you have many great ideas. What reading materials are you presenting my child with in class to meet his/her reading needs?”
5) Asking a teacher if there are ways you can support his/her program (i.e. shopping for something needed in the class, helping prepare class materials, helping with bulletin boards, etc.) may offer you moments to have informal conversations, unfocused on your child, that will help build positive relationships. When relationships are built on comfort and trust there is opportunity for collaborative discussions around making your child’s education productive.
6) If you have something to talk about with your child’s teacher that has made you feel angry, do what you can to approach as calmly as possible. If a teacher feels anger coming at him/her, the conversation will often go sideways – from this place no one wins. Try scripting what you want to say in as positive and descriptive a way as possible. Stay away from ‘blame’ as much as possible, and stick to observable facts, if you can. For example, instead of saying “My child isn’t learning in your class”, you could say “My child is telling me s/he is frustrated by math. It is very hard for him/her. Can you help me understand what I can do at home to help him/her in this area?” If you know you can’t talk to your child’s teacher without getting angry, think about sending your spouse in to have the conversation, or take an advocate with you to speak for you. Sometimes a third party can help bridge the differences.
The most important point made here is to keep trying until you are happy with the results. Your child is far too important and you deserve to be heard. Your voice is an important one and can make a difference in the progress of your child.
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Gayle began her teaching career 18 years ago. She has had the pleasure of teaching K-12 as a teacher on call in the Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada school district for two years before settling into a very rewarding 16 years of Kindergarten, where she found her passion. She has presented multiple workshops on the topic of Kindergarten in the Burnaby school district, has facilitated Burnaby’s Kindergarten Network for 10 years, and completed a Masters Degree in Early Childhood Education at UBC in 2007. Gayle is passionate about inclusion and building classroom and school communities.
Contact Gayle:
Please feel free to visit my blog at: http://kindergayle.wordpress.com and also feel free to contact me with questions at kindergayle@shaw.ca. I also invite you to follow me on Twitter, at: http://twitter.com/#!/kindergayle
